Think before you speak
I wonder sometimes if people just don't think before they open their mouths to say something. My thought is its better to think that than that they are being malicious and deliberately want ot cause other people upset. This thought has come from a range of conversations and observations, and its not all about me either.
a) Had lunch with a girl today who is wanting fertility treatment and some of her friends have just had a baby and others have told her that they are pregnant. She is very very happy for them, but this is naturally tinged with a little sadness. Some of the comments that she has had have been well meaning, but hurtful. In this situation I think it isn't meant to be malicious and more a case of not thinking.
b) My friend had a phonecall from her mum at work and my friend is fab! She is loud and bubbly and funny and talkative. She was out of the room and someone else answered the phone. This friend obviously takes after her mum and the comment when S got off the phone was "J is as mad as her mum!" (appearances of a joke, but kind of whispered and said furtively too) I felt so sad that S thought it was ok to make this kind of comment - noone has the right to make that kind of comment.
c) Out visiting and talking about guide songs i was describing a song we sing - its funny. But the words (accompanied with actions) are "a fat girl guide, a fat girl guide, skinny little brownie and a fat girl guide" and my friend made some comment about how wrong it was that I was singing this song at him. what he was saying was "I'm skinny, your fat, this is just wrong". I know this wasn't malicious but boy did it hurt. The problem is, I give people permission to make comments like this because I make them first. My mum always taught me to retort to fat jibes with "at least i can lose weight what are you going to do about your face" but thats not really my style, and its mean. But i am often the first person to make a fat joke aboout myself to stop other people doing it.
*sigh* I'm not really sure where I'm trying to go with this blog entry, I guess just to ask that we all think before we make comments.
Categories: Personal, Thoughts
Posted on Wed 9th July 2008 by becca
On Fri 11th July 2008, Tom commented:
I'm not criticising your thoughts here, just blathering about my own, while I'm bored at lunch (or read as: 'your blog entry was quite thought provoking for me and I feel inclined to respond with a lengthy rambling comment').
With 'A' I'm sure the girl undergoing fertility treatment wouldn't want to not be told by her friends about their becoming pregnant just because she's having problems with it. Receiving unusual / special treatment because of something and being aware of it just highlights the issue and in my experience / opinion only serves to make things worse.
I completely don't understand 'B' at all. :)
'C' just looks a lot like 'A' but with the roles switched around a bit.
I think people are always going to say things that upset other people. When it's not meant maliciously, why does it bother us? We're just being reminded of something that we don't like about ourselves or having our flaws pointed out - which is more a problem with ourselves than with the trigger.
On Fri 11th July 2008, Becca commented:
You make interesting points :) And thankyou for sharing them :)
I don't think I explained my problem with a) as well as I could, but I agree, getting special treatment and knowing about it does just highlight your upset.
I don't know that I agree with your last point :) I understand that things are rarely said maliciously but that doesn't mean its right that your words have an upsetting effect on other people - whether your highlighting their flaws or not. I think if people (and I'm very much including myself in this!!) just took a moment to think, there might be a little less upset. - I dunno, maybe because I'm so hypersensitive to everything I read too much into stuff that isn't there.
PS Glad my blog provoked thought and hope you are both well xx